Mindful that some Americans might find a public reading of the Bible as irresponsibly time consuming in an era of economic downturn and war, Republicans were quick to assure, off the record, that they would be editing the Bible even more aggressively than they did the Constitution.

 
    “In the beginning, you've got all this begetting," said a Congressional staffer.  "And all this 'wink wink' knowing," he continued.  “Cain knew his wife, and this person knew that person.  Now, we all know...I mean we all recognize what was really going on, and as Republicans we believe it is a beautiful and sacred act between a man and his mistress or prostitute, but not something to be blabbing about in a public forum.” 

    “Then you’ve got the whole slavery issue,” the staff member continued.  “Now, a lot of our Southern delegation, justifiably proud of the one hundred and fifty year anniversary of the founding of the Confederacy, have pointed out that the Bible implores us to treat our slaves well.  But we’ve decided to just drop all passages that pertain to the issue, just as we did with the Constitution.” 

    Similarly, the House GOP will be highly selective in their reading of Old Testament admonishments.  “You better believe we’re going to be highlighting how homosexuality is an abomination,” a staffer of a veteran Republican congressman  said.  “But as to a lot of those other abominations, such as working on Sunday?  Well, I’ve been here for years, and I can tell you that as far as my party’s congressmen and senators are concerned, working any more than Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday is considered an abomination.  But by the same token, if it's a Sunday and the lawn needs mowing or the house needs cleaning up from last night’s cocktail party, we don’t want Hector and Maria throwing any holy admonishments in our face when there’s work to be done.” 

    An anonymous aide to Speaker Boehner spoke of the difficulty the Republicans were having with the issue of marriage as portrayed in the Old Testament.  “I mean, we’ve campaigned against gay marriage by saying it runs contrary to traditional marriage as portrayed in the Bible.  But it turns out that while there is some stuff about wives submitting  to their husbands, which is pure gold mind you, marriage in the Bible is all about men impregnating their dead brother’s wives.  I mean, who would take the child tax credit in such a situation?  And having  multiple wives?  I mean, as Republicans we’re all in favor of having several wives, but consecutively, not concurrently!  You know, it sounds positively Muslim, although when I said that within earshot of Senator Hatch he looked genuinely pissed off at me for some reason.” 

    A source close to Representative Cantor, the only Jewish Republican in Congress, indicated that the Congressman has expressed concern that he not be called upon to read any New Testament passages pertaining to Jesus as the messiah. 
    The source indicated that Cantor's request will likely be quite easy to accomodate, as those sections of the Bible dealing with Christ are slated to be the most heavily redacted.   

    “Be your brother’s keeper?  Turn the other cheek?  If a man asks you for his shirt, give him your coat as well?  I mean Jesus, give me a break!" said the staffer.  "Frankly, we’ve got a lot more trouble with this sort of commie crap than we do the whole slavery thing," he continued.   "And ‘Render unto Ceasar that which is Ceasar’s?’  Now if that isn’t a tacit approval of taxation I don’t know what is.  As Republicans, we believe there is no justification for taxation, ever, except of course to provide support to our brave fighting defense contractors.” 

    An aide to an incoming Republican freshman, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, said that members would concentrate their attention on the story of Christ’s birth, which, he said,  “We all love, especially the part with the little drummer boy.  We figure we can divvy up the ‘parum pa pa pums’ between a good dozen and a half representatives.” 

    Continuing, the aide indicated that when the House member reads aloud the section of the Gospels detailing how one of the wise men presented the Christ child with a gift of gold, “We’re all going to turn our heads up to face the gallery, where Glenn Beck and representatives from one of his major sponsors will be seated.  It will be great theater.” 

    “After we’re through the Gospels, it will be pretty quick sailing” said an assistant to a high ranking Republican committee head.  “We can’t be reading Paul’s letter where he says that marriage is only preferable as an alternative to burning.  As Republicans, we love marriage, which is why so many of us have been married several times.” 

    The Bible’s final book, Revelations, will be left out completely from the public reading. “It’s weird, psychedelic stuff,” said a member of Speaker Boehner’s staff.  “We don’t want anybody taking it as an endorsement of using any drugs that weren’t manufactured by our friends in the pharmaceutical industry.” 

  While the public reading of the Bible from the well of the House of Representatives is unprecedented, the same Boehner staff member was adamant that the Bible itself was commonplace within the chamber.  “Most of our Republican members like to stand on the Bible, in an effort to make themselves look taller,” he said. If you ever wanted to live in a wonderful part of the planet then it doesn't get better than Costa Rica. You can actually get real estate costa rica very easily and you can get more information at www.Costa-Rica-Real-Estates.com today. And you can also get information on costa rica vacation rentals if you just want to go there temporarily to enjoy your vacation. But otherwise, costa rica real estate isn't far out there because it's affordable and wonderful.

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